#BeAGiana

Today was her birthday and I was shopping for something to wear to her celebration of life. 

Today was her birthday and before today I didn't actually know the date. I would have seen the notification in social media and sent her a message about how I hoped that today she would be blessed with happiness, surrounded by love, and enjoy the start of another year of adventures.

I remember talking to her family about how they were finally going to get to have a full family trip to Mexico soon and how excited I was for them all. How  wonderful I thought it would be that their beautiful blended family found a solid week to spend together even with work and school schedules. 

I remember going to her 'going away party' before her semester abroad. She was so happy, so bright, and brave. I enjoyed watching her so beautiful and gracious at the love that surrounded her to wish her well on her travels. I remember how moved I felt as we all prayed for her safety. 

I remember seeing all her pictures on Instagram from her experiences. Her pictures always showed her sense of pure joy at life. I loved her letter when she returned about her months living on the other side of the world and how I was excited to one day have her tell me all about it in person.

I remember when she reached legal drinking age and seeing pictures of her wine tasting with her family and thinking how fun that would be to join them all on one day when we could make the trip down to visit. 

I remember the first time I sat down with her family and found out that someone else has successfully walked the path that I'm on; the path of a blended family who loves their children without labels, without judgments, and with the desire to do whatever it takes to make multiple houses function in the best interest of the children. 

Giana was the proof for me that my family could be amazing. I know it still can be, and IS amazing, but Giana was that shining light to me about how beautiful my families future could be. To me, Giana was like looking into my own son's future. Looking at what a leader he could become in our family as he and his siblings navigate this life on their own. 

Giana was the embodiment of everything I could ever hope for someone. A beautiful woman I hoped my children could get to know better. A joyful soul I hoped to one day get to know better.

Thanksgiving morning I opened my Instagram and saw her smile back at me, happy and excited for her trip. She was still so alive. For 10 more hours she was still there moving and smiling like I've always known her to do, in a continuous loop sharing her joy. 

I'm so glad I was blessed to know her, even if just a little bit. I want to remember all the things I admired about her, and remember that we can all be like that. We can all be outgoing, and happy, and brave, and excited about life, about challenges, and diversity. That we can find joy in all the little things in life. As she once wrote, just to know that "the world is a beautiful place".

 Today was her birthday and I was shopping for bright, cheery, purple clothes to wear tomorrow to celebrate her life. I hope tomorrow everyone who knew her feels surrounded in sea of bright happy colors that we all picked out especially for her. I'd like to think that she can see us all, wearing her favorite colors, and smile knowing how much she touched our lives. 

Today was her birthday. To celebrate we should all go out and remember that we are surrounded by love, that happiness is always within our reach, and that life is an adventure. 

#BeAGiana

Bikes, Penguins, Acrobats, and Fire

     I look forward to the state fair every year. It is my favorite summer activity and the only time I'm willing to brave the heat without complaint. In previous years I've gone multiple times so that the kids could enjoy it without hating me for dragging them through all the boring stuff too. The first

week it was open I took my two youngest as the older children were at their mothers and unable to come with me. My oldest-middle child, Bear, texted me all the while asking me to share pictures and helping pick things with us that he would enjoy to see when we came back. That day, my daughter (the one who hates the fair the most) begged me to stay late because she was enjoying herself so much and wanted to watch a horse show. We went home at 8:30pm, and hour past her bedtime, happy and with a list of fun things to share with her brothers the next week.

     The week leading up to our second visit was hard. The transition was no smooth and adult issues were plaguing my normal happy self so much that I wanted to cancel the trip more than anything. Normally, no one likes it that much anyway. Before I could announce that plans changed Bear asked if we were still going and shared his excitement to watch the BMX bikes like the video I had sent him the previous week.

     As adults do, I sucked it up in the best interest of the kids, packed the lunches and gear, and loaded the car with happy kids. The first few hours of the day felt like this all might have been a mistake as clearly my oldest was annoyed and no one was having any real fun.

     We were at the state fair, one of my favorite places, but I was struggling. Plans were not working like I had expected, shows we wanted to watch were cut short making them less than what I had promised to eager eyes, preschooler cousins were not getting along...

     We watched a drum line that the oldest seemed to like and the youngest cousins loved to dance to, but then the show got weird and too loud and the enjoyment just seconds before got forgotten.

     We found play areas for the preschoolers to get their energy out, but that left the oldest teens bored and annoyed and the shaky internet service in the buildings.

     We made it to the BMX show where adults repeatedly stood in front of us and my mother reached her point of can't handle the fair anymore and left.

     We had a show planned that was done by the sheriff K9 unit that sounded exciting, but what we didn't know is before the dogs came out, there was 45 minutes of a guy explaining how an injured horse would be pulled off a trail, interesting information, but not to kids expecting dogs. When the K9's finally came out we were all happy we waited but the little people had gotten on every last nerve of the teenagers.

     We dragged on until around 4 when my husband volunteered to pick up anyone who wanted to leave. My daughter and oldest son eagerly volunteered, but not Bear. He wanted to spend the whole day with me no matter what! I feel like that moment helped bring back life to my soul. Even with the failed shows, and fighting kids, and typical California heat he was not deterred from making the most of this day and was excited to spend it with me.

     Some short time later as we were planning on what funnel cake to eat my husband arrived to take away those not happy with the heat. The oldest almost couldn't leave fast enough he was so done with the little people. My daughter had a change of heart and promised she would not fight or complain the rest of the night no matter what. My youngest made a similar promise just so he could stay with me and not have to go home without me. With everyone's decisions made I sent the oldest solo with his cell phone, to meet his Dad outside the fair so they could go home and get some one on one time together.

     Turns out after funnel cake there was a penguin high diving show that everyone wanted to watch near by so we stayed for that. Our cousins couldn't make it past that show due to their own teen angst so we bid them a good evening and headed to the Chinese acrobats we loved so much last week, stopping for BBQ corn on the way. When I told my little ones we were getting corn no one was happy but after it cooled off my Bear had the same look of happy shock he wore most the day as he told me it was the best corn he's ever had in his life.

     As we headed on he begged me to take him shopping for something even though he had no idea what so I explained to him, just as I do with my daughter, that we do not go shopping just for the sake of spending money. Normally this line of conversation would have made him made, but instead we were able to discuss how we were able to do two full fair outings with close parking and not our normal long walk in, not on kids free day so there were less holy terrors around, and enjoy 2 funnel cakes, 1 BBQ corn, and 1 large fresh lemonade all for about $70 for our family of 6 (even though the 6th person never came) thus leaving that money in our pockets for popcorn at the movies, the swim passes we got this year, and the bowling trips we've done. For one of the first times ever I felt this conversation with him meant something. Money, is one of those places, that he and I see differently and normally makes him mad.

     We pet the sturgeons, checked out the animals and the farm, then walked around some more before heading back to watch the penguins a second time for the promised flaming high dive. It sounded truly terrifying but Bear was so excited to see it and as before the show did not disappoint.

     There was another show later in the evening (8:45pm) that appeared to be fire dancers but had no description and could have been terrible. Again, as a group, with Bear voicing the loudest, we decided to stay and even if the show was bad it'd still be fun hanging out together. Turns out Obsidian Butterfly was actually pretty awesome. It was 3 fire dancers who used various things from fans, to poi balls, to sticks to light on fire and dance with. We had front row seats. With every spectacular stunt Bear would look back at me in amazement almost as if he was making sure his own eyes hadn't lied to him. He did this multiple times with every show, but I realized it was him sharing this moment with me, even if we were not side by side.



     After the dancing was finished we finally headed outside the gates to leave, where we instead hung out with the California letters taking pictures before finally getting to our car. It was hours past bed time but no one was grumpy. It was, without a doubt, the best fair experience I've had in the decade I've been going with my family.

note: there were 2 teenagers in our party and 3 adults. I don't make it a habit to photograph adults on these trips unless it's a group shot as usually they are just tending to little people, eating, or for those brief seconds relaxing.... as for the teenagers, thankfully there were 2 so they hung out in the back of our group on their phone and yoyo (each kids favorite item) making whatever they could of their time together. All the group shots I invited everyone into... just the 3 youngest volunteered. 

Kumquat

Growing up my neighbor had this delicious kumquat tree in her backyard. I would feed myself all day long on those tasty things. I moved away more than a decade ago but those little treats crossed my mind many times since then.

Driving home from Washington I found some in an Oregon Safeway of all places and I couldn't wait to get some for my kids to try. I didn't remember them being so rough looking but sometimes things are just different when you grow them yourself. I was so excited to see them again I popped one into my mouth as soon as I got into the car.

It tasted like an orange rind, not how I remembered at all. So I tried to peel it (which apparently you need to do) and discovered it is essentially a tiny, less satisfying orange. My children were about as unimpressed as I was.

It turns out my neighbor had a  LOQUAT tree which is not even the same family of fruits. These are the not 'quats' I'm looking for.

Throwback Thursday er Wednesday

Do you know what happens when you pay for a website but don't have it work for many months? You start writing (because it makes your heart happy) and then never add your pictures or publish your thoughts.

Going through my dashboard I have so many posts I started (or mostly finished) and then never had the motivation to finish it all the way.

It's time for me to get some of these up so I apologize as old things start popping up. I'll try to keep the history posts to only a few a week tops. With that said, let's time travel!

Lessons Unexpected

I was reminiscing today about how thankful I am for lessons I never knew I'd need. Not math or history but the life lessons you never want to need. 

When I was in high school my mother had complications that caused her to loose the ability to walk. She was told she'd never walk again (which awesomely ended not true) and ended up in a wheel chair for more than a year.

Both of us standing just two months ago

I remember when we'd go somewhere with wheelchair ramps (that always seemed to have crazy slopes) she'd come flying down them and grab a wheel to turn to a stop just as she reached the bottom. Passersby would usually panic thinking she'd lost control and was in need of help but she explained it that it was less painful on her arms to not try to control the decent when there were no pedestrians in the way. Seemed legit. And, it always provided me with a great deal of amusement, especially the day she did it towards a body of water. 

I thought it was great fun to play in her chair. Especially at places like dinner where'd she'd already be sitting at the table, I'd sit in her chair and if I ended up in someones way it was always more efficient for me to just get up out of the chair and move it. If I'm being honest I did this more for the hilarious reactions and less for the fun of sitting in the chair. 

There is the important skill of being able to get up curbs, over bumps,and whatnot and for that, those in a wheelchair for an extended amount of time learn the wheelie. More advanced is moving directions or spinning while in a wheelie, it's fun. I spent many months practicing it at home because I thought it was so fun (which most things are when you don't HAVE to use it). 

 When you pull it off in public most people seem to think you are about to plummet to injury. Although I was never in the chair in public needing this skill I saw plenty of people react to my mother.

Here I am some 20-something years and a freak accident later finding myself so grateful for my experience in wheelchairs and for public access to them in hotels and airports.  I needed the wheelchair, I didn't need to do the tricks but it sure made the chair a lot more fun.

So, to my previously severely handicapped mother: 

Thank you for teaching me how to use your chair while I pretended to be disabled because one day I would need these skills for real. Things like getting from a wheelchair to a toilet; turning the wheels in opposite directions to make tight corners without bumping your legs; and even how to get in things like bathtubs without the use of your legs (or at least one leg). 

I never knew I'd use these skills or even that it was a life lesson I was being taught but clearly I'm grateful for the knowledge now. 

Positive Spots

A few months ago my son (just turned two years old) had a spot on his back like a red mole. In just a months time the size increased drastically. Moles don't change. It took some time to get him into a dermatologist but when we finally did see one they decided with his age and the speed of growth it needed to be shaved off and tested.

Now I won't go into all of the details, but lets just say I will never go back to this doctor. My favorite moment was how they pulled the needle out with the numbing medication before instantly cutting his back- never letting the medication take effect. Maybe that's standard practice there, but that's not how I'd want to be treated so my job as mom is to protect my son.

When the results came in the office told me they were abnormal and they'd see me in a few months, nothing else. It took two days for our Primary Care Physician to get the results where he was able to inform me that my son has a Spitz Nevus.

It's bad, but it's not. A spitz nevus is a juvenile melanoma. My son will need surgery where they put him under so every last piece of it can be removed, usually with a laser. Most doctors are not concerned as long as it is under 1cm in size. My son's was 8mm in just 6 weeks. Thankfully the new dermatologist we have has cleared a place in his schedule for us in just 2 weeks even though he's booked through December.

What I know is that he will have surgery. As a family, we will have to be more diligent with his protection from the sun; hats, sunblock, and being as covered as possible. It's hard being such outdoor people, but he loves hats and most of us burn so easy that sunblock isn't a new habit.

Am I scared? Absolutely, but mostly of his surgery. Anytime you are put under anesthesia alarms me. I've avoided it for 31 years yet here my little boy will have it before he even starts school.

Am I grateful? More than I can express.

I was blessed with an opportunity to go to a cystic fibrosis fundraiser just days before getting these results. If you have no idea what it is a quick google search can open your heart. If you want to be really touched, read the story about 65 roses and the optimism they have.
I have it easy as does my son. He'll need to wear hats and use sunscreen. Breathing should never be a struggle for him, at least not from this. I'm so grateful for this realization.

So, hug your babies no matter how old they are and count your blessings.

“The greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.” 
― Martha Washington

Two and a Half Minutes

Thirteen months ago I decided I was over godaddy.com and should use a different company. While setting up the change (which was more complicated than I expected) I broke my website.
Boooo!

 I've tried to fix it a few times but there's been a LOT going on so I probably never tried hard enough.

 Finally, I looked up a specific youtube video for the company I own my domain through and two and a half minutes later I had my website up and running again.

 Perhaps I should have tried harder, sooner. That was $10 spent for a year of nothing and I wasn't even writing when I wanted to.

Lesson learned. All that matters now, is I'M BACK!

There's probably going to be a lot of catch up going on (because my year was amazing) and some new stuff too. Come along and enjoy the ride if you're still around.

Around the World in 14 Hours

I had the privilege of getting to cross another item off my bucket list. Before our cruise out of Miami, Cliff gave me the opportunity to spend one day in Disney World! *insert excited child-like scream here*

I got to choose the park but we both decided that Epcot was the least like Disneyland and the most worth it for us. The best part of Epcot is that it let us travel all over the world in just a day and without jetlag.

Cliff and I don't really have many pictures together so he humored me and posed (in Cliff fashion) with me in each country.

I chose each location for the countries based on if it was my favorite view of the country and if it wasn't crazy crowded (Norway's church was never devoid of people climbing the viking).

In just one day I got to experience 11 countries with my love. Disney Magic for the win!

Good Morning, Tampa

Sunrise from my balcony over Tampa

I experienced sunset in Los Angeles followed by sunrise in Tampa. I'm not sure what plane I was on flying to LAX, but it was so small! It made such terrible clanking noises whenever the pilots moved the wings or made changes to the jets I was just sure it was going to break apart in the air.

I'm not very big, and yet I felt so cramped in my seat I literally gave myself a pain in my neck. I was so excited to get on a 737 for the flight to Florida. You don't realize how great some amenities are until you don't have them. Thank you whoever designed the 737, you are a genius in my world.

Florida is like nothing I've experienced before.

Tampa is bigger and older than I expected, beautiful in its own right, but so different. I realize that after traveling to San Antonio I compare every city to it. San Antonio just seems so big, and new, and most importantly so efficient.

I've never been around marshland like what is here in Florida. I'm used to the green of trees, but not from so many palm trees and plants I don't think I've ever seen in real life.

Back home we are in one of the worst droughts I can remember and here there is just so much water all over the ground. There's a smell, not bad, but different from the pine, mountains, or farm smells I'm used to.

People have always told me the humidity hits you as soon as you walk outside and it does indeed punch you hard enough that you have no question as to where you are. However, I like it. It's one of the first times I've been in heat (anything over 70 is too hot in my world) that didn't make me want to crawl out of my skin and cry. The downside: heat rash seems so much easier to get in this weather.

U*Le*Le

I loved the restaurant we went to and it had such a beautiful story behind it. It was such a labor of love for the family that opened it. So much thought went into every bit of planning and trying to make it 'green'.

It seems in Tampa history, some 70 years or so before John Smith and Pocahontas, Ulele (the Tocabaga Chief's daughter) felt pity for some Spaniards and threw herself onto one of them so that her father would spare his life. The restaurant is named after the princess (and so are the nearby springs) and outside the building is this bronze statue that tells the story of how she saved the Spanish explorer from her people.

After an eight million dollar renovation the 1906 Water Works Building was transformed into the oldest restaurant in Tampa that we got the pleasure of eating at. The thought behind Ulele seems to be keeping all the ingredients organic and fresh from local family owned and independent companies. I really love when a modern convenience (like eating out) aims to keep the families in business and cares about you as a patron as much as the money (at least in illusion).
The menu is native-inspired using ingredients when they are available just like their ancestors did.  It kind of blew my mind how some of the ingredients are so casually listed: frog legs, alligator, quail, boar, venison, duck. Before doing my research I though it was like lox in New York and just what they eat here but it was more about using what is available. I have to say they make some delicious food. I enjoyed alligator hush puppies, charbroiled oysters, and duck bacon ice cream. I didn't know duck bacon was a thing either but it was tasty.

The coolest part of dinner was finding Cliff's wine namesake. We flew all the way across the country to discover that just a few hours south of us in our home state is a winery with his name. We would have had a glass but they were out so we'll have to obtain some when we get back home.

Words Hurt

Today, while driving to donate blood I pulled up next to a car with bright writing all over it. I noticed that all over the sides and back of the car were various ways of saying "Happy 19th Birthday". It was so colorful that I wanted (but didn't) to snap a picture of it to share with my husband. I looked at the driver (indeed the 19 year old) and smiled brightly at him.
I contemplated rolling down my window to tell him "happy birthday" personally since his windows were down but I didn't.

He didn't smile back. He didn't even look happy. He look hurt and sad, and perhaps a little lost inside himself.

Our light turned green and as I pulled in front of him to make my turn while he made a u-turn, I saw more writing on his car.

Bright red letter across his front window. They were low and BOLD but filled the entirety of the glass. A word someone put there so he wouldn't miss it.

Writing that he wouldn't be able to get away from especially while driving.

"FAGGOT".

Inside I wanted to cry. I can't explain why that word hurt me almost as if they were directed at me but they did.
I couldn't help but wonder if he thought I was smiling at him because I was glad someone would be so cruel.

When the world slaps you it's hard to remember that not everyone wants to hurt you.

I quickly tried to figure out if I could u-turn myself, find his car and clean his windshield with the water and wet wipes in my truck so that maybe he could forget such a horrid word. I tried to plan how to get him to follow me to the nearest car wash where I would buy him a clean slate so to speak. I wanted to hug him and tell him happy birthday and to not let one asshole ruin this special moment for him. I wanted to tell him he was beautiful and the people in his life were lucky to know him. I wanted to fix his unnecessary hurt even though there would be no way to do so.

It was a busy part of town. He was turning towards the freeways. He could be anywhere and I had very little chance of finding him by the time I changed directions.

I didn't try to find him. Maybe I should have, but common sense told me it would be a fruitless expedition. I didn't help him, and maybe I couldn't of, but I continue to hope and pray that someone was able to help him.

We should not be judged or punished or ridiculed for who we love, what we are, how we feel. We should not try to put others down just because we can.

I'm hurting because of the word on his car. I don't think I'm the only person who saw his car and felt the sharpness of that blade. It's been HOURS and I still feel it, I can only imagine how much it hurt that boy. It was his birthday! How could someone be so cruel to sully such a beautiful thing (like the nice messages on the rest of his car).

So, to the 19 year old in Rocklin I hope someone heard my prayer for you. I hope you heal. And I pray you have a long and happy life.

Words can hurt or heal. What did you do with YOUR words today?

Things Kids Say: May 2014

Sometimes I think we should get a dog, what do you think?
"No. Because it would poop and I'd have to pick it up"
~Bug

*Picking out magic cards*
I'm playing tree and death
~Bear

Things Kids Say: April 2014

*while describing a Warthog*
Like a cropduster; but deadly!
~Gator

Things Kids Say: March 2014

I can speak ner-shun.
You mean martian? 
Yea Marsha!
MARtian? 
Yes! Lerch-shun.
~Bug

Happy Cleo Patrick Day!
~Bug

*about her porcelain doll*
It's a look-it doll. Not a pay doll, a look-it.
~Bug

Is Daddy older than Grandma?
no honey.
I was thinking: Grandma is kind of old and Daddy is kind of old but Grandma is kin of skinny. Someday we're all going to be skinny
~Bug

I really want to see Frankenweener.
~Bear

I think that's a plane!!!! *sounding really bummed* No. It's not. It's a bird.
~Bug

(from October, oops)
When can I drive this car? I want to drive it!!!!!
~Bug

Things Kids Say: February 2014

Let's ask your daddy what semi stands for

"Semi means really big truck"
~Bug

"Do Santa's Elves die?"
~Bug

While helping her brother with the baby doll.

"Don't drop him like what happened to you."

~Bug

Sharks live in salt and water.

What's your brother doing?
"Riding a dragon"
~Bug

I told her earlier in the day I was running out of patience. 
"How many patience do you have left?"
~Bug

Things Kids Say: January 2014

while talking her down before a fit
Mom! I'm just trying to get my head together. 
~Bug

Can I eat my crummy crackers?
about a Nature Valley Granola Bar 

I see my girl hair. It's on my arm

~Bug

You can't marry your brother, or your sister. Or someone you just met.
~Bug

"We can see better in the dark because we have blue eyes"
~Bear

When asked to get dressed 

"My brains says don't do it, it's a trick!"

~Bug

Can you try to be a little more quiet please?

"I'm a kid. I can't do that"

~Bug

"(Moose) is so enchanted by his (favorite toy)."
~Bug

Things Kids Say: December 2013

"Why don't we have Netflix"
Because we don't pay for it anymore
"I can pay for it. I have money. I'm rich."
~Bug

"I can't wipe myself, it's too fluffy."
~Bug

"Those aren't really Christmas presents because they're from you not from Santa."
~Bear

"Razing off his hair"
~Bug

"When I grow up I'm going to be as normal as a mother "

~Bug

"I wonder what movie it is"

How do you know it's a movie 

"Because of its shape"
~Gator

"(Mom) got a new TV. It's an HD one!!"
Do you know what HD is?
"HD. Hot wired?"
~Bear

"Are we going to go eater hunting too?"
*at a Christmas party*
~Bug

Do you know what an octagon is?
"Yes. It's a crinkly circle."
~Bug

What's the first day of the month
"The second!"
~Bug

"My mom asked if you had grey hair. She says you should because you have a lot of kids."
~Gator

Things Kids Say: November.

Bug just asked her Daddy for help naming her mermaids. She had already turned down my name suggestions so as a joke he suggested Chlamydia and Sweet Sweet Syphilis. She loved it. Now my daughter is happy she has Chlamydia and Syphilis.

"Hmm. You're more good than I."
Ya, you're batshit crazy
(Fail for not editing this sooner. I don't remember this conversation but I'm sure it had something to do with Cliff)

Do you know where beans fall on the food pyramid?
"Yea. Fruit?"
~Bear

"Separated meat? Is that legal?!"
~Gator

"My eyes are sour"

~Bug

"I smell air pollution"
~Gator

"I had a bad dream. (Bear) stole my kitty blanket!"
~Bug

Talking about her little brother. 

"I'm a little bit the boss of him. Sorta."
~Bug 

"I've got my warm skin on"
~Bug

"What are we smoking?"
~Gator

"Don't change your name to earl. That's a girls name."
~Bug

Things Kids Say: October 2013

"Princesses try to look princess-y"
~Bug

*While looking at Disneyland pictures*
"Rapunzel when she smiles, kind of looks like (Gator and Bear's Mom)"
~Bug

"When I'm a mommy I'm not going to be mean. I'm just going to say you cant have that. I'm not going to be grumpy at all."
~Bug

how's dinner?
"It doesn't taste as good as I thought it was going to taste."
~Bug

"I like the texture but it doesn't taste very good. "

~Bug

"This is my hiking dress"
Bug

"I like his hair, it's kind of fuzzy and then bald on top"
~Bug

"What do I smell? It's like popcorn and poop mixed together."

"My sneeze is stuck."
 Why is it stuck.
"Because its hiding."

~Bug

"My nose hurts. My boogers are hard"
~Bug 

Ears

I realized something today: babies should be required to wear animal ear outfits. You just can't take them seriously. It makes baby fussiness so much easier to deal with. Instead of thinking 'aw man, I don't know what's wrong' it turns into: "awwww, he's so cute even when he cries! Let me hug you and kiss you again!". You don't believe me? Check this picture out. No way that is going to stress you out!