Back To Life

Every one has those years. You know the ones that you don't know how you'll survive and then some how you realize you're on the other side of them looking back and realized you did survive albeit a few new scars. I was in some of those moments. I was forgetting why I started blogging, why I took pictures, why I did a lot of things.

I feel confident enough to say I'm at least outside those bad years (or even scattered bad months). I want to get back to doing the things that fulfill me. Get back to recording all those beautiful moments with my children and my family that I hope I never forget.

I kept telling myself I have to start at the beginning so it all makes sense, but I'm realizing with that mentality I may never get anything done and it's just going to continue to be an endless list of 'draft' posts I'll never finish. With that being said. things are going to be out of order, but I'm going to get back to working on it all the same.

#BeAGiana

Today was her birthday and I was shopping for something to wear to her celebration of life. 

Today was her birthday and before today I didn't actually know the date. I would have seen the notification in social media and sent her a message about how I hoped that today she would be blessed with happiness, surrounded by love, and enjoy the start of another year of adventures.

I remember talking to her family about how they were finally going to get to have a full family trip to Mexico soon and how excited I was for them all. How  wonderful I thought it would be that their beautiful blended family found a solid week to spend together even with work and school schedules. 

I remember going to her 'going away party' before her semester abroad. She was so happy, so bright, and brave. I enjoyed watching her so beautiful and gracious at the love that surrounded her to wish her well on her travels. I remember how moved I felt as we all prayed for her safety. 

I remember seeing all her pictures on Instagram from her experiences. Her pictures always showed her sense of pure joy at life. I loved her letter when she returned about her months living on the other side of the world and how I was excited to one day have her tell me all about it in person.

I remember when she reached legal drinking age and seeing pictures of her wine tasting with her family and thinking how fun that would be to join them all on one day when we could make the trip down to visit. 

I remember the first time I sat down with her family and found out that someone else has successfully walked the path that I'm on; the path of a blended family who loves their children without labels, without judgments, and with the desire to do whatever it takes to make multiple houses function in the best interest of the children. 

Giana was the proof for me that my family could be amazing. I know it still can be, and IS amazing, but Giana was that shining light to me about how beautiful my families future could be. To me, Giana was like looking into my own son's future. Looking at what a leader he could become in our family as he and his siblings navigate this life on their own. 

Giana was the embodiment of everything I could ever hope for someone. A beautiful woman I hoped my children could get to know better. A joyful soul I hoped to one day get to know better.

Thanksgiving morning I opened my Instagram and saw her smile back at me, happy and excited for her trip. She was still so alive. For 10 more hours she was still there moving and smiling like I've always known her to do, in a continuous loop sharing her joy. 

I'm so glad I was blessed to know her, even if just a little bit. I want to remember all the things I admired about her, and remember that we can all be like that. We can all be outgoing, and happy, and brave, and excited about life, about challenges, and diversity. That we can find joy in all the little things in life. As she once wrote, just to know that "the world is a beautiful place".

 Today was her birthday and I was shopping for bright, cheery, purple clothes to wear tomorrow to celebrate her life. I hope tomorrow everyone who knew her feels surrounded in sea of bright happy colors that we all picked out especially for her. I'd like to think that she can see us all, wearing her favorite colors, and smile knowing how much she touched our lives. 

Today was her birthday. To celebrate we should all go out and remember that we are surrounded by love, that happiness is always within our reach, and that life is an adventure. 

#BeAGiana

Bikes, Penguins, Acrobats, and Fire

     I look forward to the state fair every year. It is my favorite summer activity and the only time I'm willing to brave the heat without complaint. In previous years I've gone multiple times so that the kids could enjoy it without hating me for dragging them through all the boring stuff too. The first

week it was open I took my two youngest as the older children were at their mothers and unable to come with me. My oldest-middle child, Bear, texted me all the while asking me to share pictures and helping pick things with us that he would enjoy to see when we came back. That day, my daughter (the one who hates the fair the most) begged me to stay late because she was enjoying herself so much and wanted to watch a horse show. We went home at 8:30pm, and hour past her bedtime, happy and with a list of fun things to share with her brothers the next week.

     The week leading up to our second visit was hard. The transition was no smooth and adult issues were plaguing my normal happy self so much that I wanted to cancel the trip more than anything. Normally, no one likes it that much anyway. Before I could announce that plans changed Bear asked if we were still going and shared his excitement to watch the BMX bikes like the video I had sent him the previous week.

     As adults do, I sucked it up in the best interest of the kids, packed the lunches and gear, and loaded the car with happy kids. The first few hours of the day felt like this all might have been a mistake as clearly my oldest was annoyed and no one was having any real fun.

     We were at the state fair, one of my favorite places, but I was struggling. Plans were not working like I had expected, shows we wanted to watch were cut short making them less than what I had promised to eager eyes, preschooler cousins were not getting along...

     We watched a drum line that the oldest seemed to like and the youngest cousins loved to dance to, but then the show got weird and too loud and the enjoyment just seconds before got forgotten.

     We found play areas for the preschoolers to get their energy out, but that left the oldest teens bored and annoyed and the shaky internet service in the buildings.

     We made it to the BMX show where adults repeatedly stood in front of us and my mother reached her point of can't handle the fair anymore and left.

     We had a show planned that was done by the sheriff K9 unit that sounded exciting, but what we didn't know is before the dogs came out, there was 45 minutes of a guy explaining how an injured horse would be pulled off a trail, interesting information, but not to kids expecting dogs. When the K9's finally came out we were all happy we waited but the little people had gotten on every last nerve of the teenagers.

     We dragged on until around 4 when my husband volunteered to pick up anyone who wanted to leave. My daughter and oldest son eagerly volunteered, but not Bear. He wanted to spend the whole day with me no matter what! I feel like that moment helped bring back life to my soul. Even with the failed shows, and fighting kids, and typical California heat he was not deterred from making the most of this day and was excited to spend it with me.

     Some short time later as we were planning on what funnel cake to eat my husband arrived to take away those not happy with the heat. The oldest almost couldn't leave fast enough he was so done with the little people. My daughter had a change of heart and promised she would not fight or complain the rest of the night no matter what. My youngest made a similar promise just so he could stay with me and not have to go home without me. With everyone's decisions made I sent the oldest solo with his cell phone, to meet his Dad outside the fair so they could go home and get some one on one time together.

     Turns out after funnel cake there was a penguin high diving show that everyone wanted to watch near by so we stayed for that. Our cousins couldn't make it past that show due to their own teen angst so we bid them a good evening and headed to the Chinese acrobats we loved so much last week, stopping for BBQ corn on the way. When I told my little ones we were getting corn no one was happy but after it cooled off my Bear had the same look of happy shock he wore most the day as he told me it was the best corn he's ever had in his life.

     As we headed on he begged me to take him shopping for something even though he had no idea what so I explained to him, just as I do with my daughter, that we do not go shopping just for the sake of spending money. Normally this line of conversation would have made him made, but instead we were able to discuss how we were able to do two full fair outings with close parking and not our normal long walk in, not on kids free day so there were less holy terrors around, and enjoy 2 funnel cakes, 1 BBQ corn, and 1 large fresh lemonade all for about $70 for our family of 6 (even though the 6th person never came) thus leaving that money in our pockets for popcorn at the movies, the swim passes we got this year, and the bowling trips we've done. For one of the first times ever I felt this conversation with him meant something. Money, is one of those places, that he and I see differently and normally makes him mad.

     We pet the sturgeons, checked out the animals and the farm, then walked around some more before heading back to watch the penguins a second time for the promised flaming high dive. It sounded truly terrifying but Bear was so excited to see it and as before the show did not disappoint.

     There was another show later in the evening (8:45pm) that appeared to be fire dancers but had no description and could have been terrible. Again, as a group, with Bear voicing the loudest, we decided to stay and even if the show was bad it'd still be fun hanging out together. Turns out Obsidian Butterfly was actually pretty awesome. It was 3 fire dancers who used various things from fans, to poi balls, to sticks to light on fire and dance with. We had front row seats. With every spectacular stunt Bear would look back at me in amazement almost as if he was making sure his own eyes hadn't lied to him. He did this multiple times with every show, but I realized it was him sharing this moment with me, even if we were not side by side.



     After the dancing was finished we finally headed outside the gates to leave, where we instead hung out with the California letters taking pictures before finally getting to our car. It was hours past bed time but no one was grumpy. It was, without a doubt, the best fair experience I've had in the decade I've been going with my family.

note: there were 2 teenagers in our party and 3 adults. I don't make it a habit to photograph adults on these trips unless it's a group shot as usually they are just tending to little people, eating, or for those brief seconds relaxing.... as for the teenagers, thankfully there were 2 so they hung out in the back of our group on their phone and yoyo (each kids favorite item) making whatever they could of their time together. All the group shots I invited everyone into... just the 3 youngest volunteered. 

Kumquat

Growing up my neighbor had this delicious kumquat tree in her backyard. I would feed myself all day long on those tasty things. I moved away more than a decade ago but those little treats crossed my mind many times since then.

Driving home from Washington I found some in an Oregon Safeway of all places and I couldn't wait to get some for my kids to try. I didn't remember them being so rough looking but sometimes things are just different when you grow them yourself. I was so excited to see them again I popped one into my mouth as soon as I got into the car.

It tasted like an orange rind, not how I remembered at all. So I tried to peel it (which apparently you need to do) and discovered it is essentially a tiny, less satisfying orange. My children were about as unimpressed as I was.

It turns out my neighbor had a  LOQUAT tree which is not even the same family of fruits. These are the not 'quats' I'm looking for.

Throwback Thursday er Wednesday

Do you know what happens when you pay for a website but don't have it work for many months? You start writing (because it makes your heart happy) and then never add your pictures or publish your thoughts.

Going through my dashboard I have so many posts I started (or mostly finished) and then never had the motivation to finish it all the way.

It's time for me to get some of these up so I apologize as old things start popping up. I'll try to keep the history posts to only a few a week tops. With that said, let's time travel!

Lessons Unexpected

I was reminiscing today about how thankful I am for lessons I never knew I'd need. Not math or history but the life lessons you never want to need. 

When I was in high school my mother had complications that caused her to loose the ability to walk. She was told she'd never walk again (which awesomely ended not true) and ended up in a wheel chair for more than a year.

Both of us standing just two months ago

I remember when we'd go somewhere with wheelchair ramps (that always seemed to have crazy slopes) she'd come flying down them and grab a wheel to turn to a stop just as she reached the bottom. Passersby would usually panic thinking she'd lost control and was in need of help but she explained it that it was less painful on her arms to not try to control the decent when there were no pedestrians in the way. Seemed legit. And, it always provided me with a great deal of amusement, especially the day she did it towards a body of water. 

I thought it was great fun to play in her chair. Especially at places like dinner where'd she'd already be sitting at the table, I'd sit in her chair and if I ended up in someones way it was always more efficient for me to just get up out of the chair and move it. If I'm being honest I did this more for the hilarious reactions and less for the fun of sitting in the chair. 

There is the important skill of being able to get up curbs, over bumps,and whatnot and for that, those in a wheelchair for an extended amount of time learn the wheelie. More advanced is moving directions or spinning while in a wheelie, it's fun. I spent many months practicing it at home because I thought it was so fun (which most things are when you don't HAVE to use it). 

 When you pull it off in public most people seem to think you are about to plummet to injury. Although I was never in the chair in public needing this skill I saw plenty of people react to my mother.

Here I am some 20-something years and a freak accident later finding myself so grateful for my experience in wheelchairs and for public access to them in hotels and airports.  I needed the wheelchair, I didn't need to do the tricks but it sure made the chair a lot more fun.

So, to my previously severely handicapped mother: 

Thank you for teaching me how to use your chair while I pretended to be disabled because one day I would need these skills for real. Things like getting from a wheelchair to a toilet; turning the wheels in opposite directions to make tight corners without bumping your legs; and even how to get in things like bathtubs without the use of your legs (or at least one leg). 

I never knew I'd use these skills or even that it was a life lesson I was being taught but clearly I'm grateful for the knowledge now. 

Positive Spots

A few months ago my son (just turned two years old) had a spot on his back like a red mole. In just a months time the size increased drastically. Moles don't change. It took some time to get him into a dermatologist but when we finally did see one they decided with his age and the speed of growth it needed to be shaved off and tested.

Now I won't go into all of the details, but lets just say I will never go back to this doctor. My favorite moment was how they pulled the needle out with the numbing medication before instantly cutting his back- never letting the medication take effect. Maybe that's standard practice there, but that's not how I'd want to be treated so my job as mom is to protect my son.

When the results came in the office told me they were abnormal and they'd see me in a few months, nothing else. It took two days for our Primary Care Physician to get the results where he was able to inform me that my son has a Spitz Nevus.

It's bad, but it's not. A spitz nevus is a juvenile melanoma. My son will need surgery where they put him under so every last piece of it can be removed, usually with a laser. Most doctors are not concerned as long as it is under 1cm in size. My son's was 8mm in just 6 weeks. Thankfully the new dermatologist we have has cleared a place in his schedule for us in just 2 weeks even though he's booked through December.

What I know is that he will have surgery. As a family, we will have to be more diligent with his protection from the sun; hats, sunblock, and being as covered as possible. It's hard being such outdoor people, but he loves hats and most of us burn so easy that sunblock isn't a new habit.

Am I scared? Absolutely, but mostly of his surgery. Anytime you are put under anesthesia alarms me. I've avoided it for 31 years yet here my little boy will have it before he even starts school.

Am I grateful? More than I can express.

I was blessed with an opportunity to go to a cystic fibrosis fundraiser just days before getting these results. If you have no idea what it is a quick google search can open your heart. If you want to be really touched, read the story about 65 roses and the optimism they have.
I have it easy as does my son. He'll need to wear hats and use sunscreen. Breathing should never be a struggle for him, at least not from this. I'm so grateful for this realization.

So, hug your babies no matter how old they are and count your blessings.

“The greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.” 
― Martha Washington